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I am almost always falling in love with younger men. It’s something in my life I wish to change, but I don’t think it’s going to be possible. Sometimes I think it’s a blessing. But despite the trials and tribulations that come with age differences, there is always more to feel good about than to lament and cry about. Perhaps it’s just a matter of attitude.
I am fascinated by couples, or rather by pairings. What is it that attracts one person to another, or two people to each other? Why is it often just one thing or another, rather than the sum of all the parts? And why is it most often the physical attributes that initially cause the hormones to go wild? Or is it? I am constantly trying to figure it out.
When I think I am in the “blessed” phase, it’s because the company of youth can be quite adventurous. One can be jolted out of middle age jadedness by the thinking processes and the modus operandi of youth. There’s a spontaneity for doing things that a settled older person may find too challenging or uncomfortable… As I write this, I realize that I am speaking mainly about what I am getting out of such a relationship, where in fact, part of the pleasure is also what I am or can be to this other person who is also in the relationship, of his own free will, and out of his own needs and desires.
When I met John, I wasn’t only attracted to younger men, but also younger men who were not taller than me. Despite being four inches shorter than John, I did fall in love with him. It was then that I discovered something very important about relationships. It’s not so much age, or physical attributes, or other characteristics, but it has a lot to do with timing, on both a macro and a micro level. When I fell in love with John, I wasn’t quite aware that I was going through a phase in my life when I couldn’t be the ideal boyfriend, as my energy was directed towards myself and towards a new career.
There were trials and tribulations, but we eventually overcame them to become very good friends. We still have to put up with differences in timing, but such is the nature of relationships.
Silver Lake, Los Angeles March 21, 2004
